those words of negativity

will be your undoing

those thoughts

the destruction of nations

my dear christian brothers

and sisters

we are gathered together

this day

to pass judgment

on the heathen flock

whom god will cast aside

as he holds us to his bosom

we his dearly beloved

shall not love

but stand in judgment

of those who do not accept

our beliefs

hush america

for the eastern invasion

has begun

hush

cry not out

into the quiet darkness

superpower exchanges

are now acknowledged

and you may check your weapons

at the lost property counter

hush child

for the votes

not yet counted

you will burn

with the destruction

imposed on those

who did not embrace your

beliefs

we are not worthy

to come to this

your table

our merciful lord

for we know not love

and compassion

hush child

for the god of your fathers

no longer listens

hush

hush

hush

when taking

your handful

of tablets

to place

the plastic bag

of destruction

over your

head

so you may choke

in the vomit

of your destruction

ps

slash you wrists

with vertical precision

and don’t

waist my time

with horizons

of attention seeking cuts

            laid before me

            by gods in splendour

            this path

            this pain

            this grace

            i accepted

how much i am looking forward to seeing you again not just a text message a phone call money paid into my bank account to help cover the cost of medical expenses

you have no idea

how important it is to me that you see the life i have built here my friends my home my cat

you have no idea

how much i want to be so much more to you than just the son dying of aids

you have no idea

that i am not dying but living one step one obstacle one challenge one day one tear at a time

you have no idea

how much i need you to take me in your arms and tell me that everything will be alright

you have no idea

how important your acceptance is to me

you have no idea

a warrior must choose his battles with care.

      i ask that i may spare myself to see another sun rise

      and not give up all hope

It’s odd, but since I started my blog I have come into contact with a lot of pastor types and really enjoy reading about their families and the close bonds they tie with their communities.

As a drug abusing, tequila swigging leather man faggot of note, I never did all those things, but find that I have a longing for it now.

Strange, my blog started as a therapy for depression, suicidal tendencies and a way of dealing with aids, but has become a war cry for the battle against evil. I feel an urgency to spread the Love of Christ and help people to unite the fight against evil.

I don’t know yet what the Lord wants’ from me, but there is something. On Monday I start a new job with a company that has strong Christian ethics, I’ve been thinking of making contact with the church I used to attend – I suppose having been diagnosed with two terminal illnesses makes one more aware spiritually.

Tomorrow I have to go back to the clinic to have a biopsy performed on a lesion on my head – it may very well be death sentence number three, cancer!

Sorry, I am just chatting away here and it may not be making much sense. Truth is I’m doing it because I am concerned about tomorrow and I really hope they can do something about the constant pain I’ve been in for the past two weeks.

My resolve has been low.

I sobbed and told a friend the other day that I wish I’d gone ahead with my death plans on New Years Eve.

I even manage to get my shrink to cry sometimes – how sad is my life?

Please forgive me this entry, but at the same time, feel privileged that you got to read it – know I’ll delete it in the morning when I feel better.

it’s taken from ‘Ordre des Chevaliers du Saint-Sépulcre Byzantin’. i particularly resonated with ‘the Knights of the Holy Sepulcher gave special emphasis to the spiritual and religious ideal as a Christian Order of Knights . . . Undoubtedly the Order served as an escort for Christian pilgrims in the Holy Land. In many cases, the Order succeeded in buying the freedom of captured and displaced Europeans through diplomatic negotiations with the Saracens. Wealthy persons were obliged to reimburse the ransom money to the Order. The Order stood up, however, for people without means.’

Why poetry? 

i’m pretty messed up – see a clinical psychologist and a psychiatrist – both encouraged me to start writting.

How do you write?

it really just flows out of me, i very seldom edit what has been written. sometimes i have to wipe away tears as i write. my poetry is very personal. there are times i can’t write, i never force it.

Why no punctuation? 

i allow the emotions and hence the words to flow from me – there’s no time to cross t’s and dot i’s. i want it to be preserved as is.

What is meant by ‘Red Death’?

i have aids.

In ‘Saint-Sépulcre‘ you refer to your ’armor of ethereal threads precious metals the battle garment in the fight against red death’.

i have recently – in the last four months or so – had to change my medication as the previous medication was no longer effective. i hate having to pump my body full of these chemicals, but it has got to the stage where i have to, not to prolong my life, but to make life more bearable. 

Do you suffer from depression?

yes, and very often thoughts of suicide.

Are you very religious?

i grew up in a christian home, but my beliefs today are not limited by those teachings.

What then is the most important aspect of your beliefs?

i believe in the day of judgment. we will one day have to answer for our knowledge, understanding and actions of that knowledge. He is a merciful God and will not hold us accountable for things we do not know to be true.

Do you have a mission in life?

to be the best person i can and to help others do the same.

Any regrets? 

not being geographically closer to my family.

We who are many, are one body,

For we all partake of the one bread.

NgaiNkosi Yezulu Nkulunkulu Nyadenga Oba-Ajiki Ogus Olodumare Olofin-Orun Olorun Paramatma Rama Robboqua Satnam Shangdi Shen Shiva Sosi Surya Taosa Thixo Tian Tian Zhu Tirthankar Touqua Tsui Tsui Goab Tuma Tummu Uthixo Vishnu Waheguru Wal Waq Waqa War Xwedê Yahveh Yahweh Yaroz Yere Siezi Zabi Zhu

      feel the cold metal in the palm of my hand

      angels flee to the safe dark corners

      cowering afraid of what may come next

      i kneel on the cold stone floor of the kitchen

      the dagger pressed to my heart

      dear god

      i cry out

      i cannot any longer

      the pain is too unbearable

      please

      take it away

      i remember a man in gethsemane

      he too prayed that the pain may be removed

      i stand up from the floor in the kitchen

      return the dagger for safe keeping

      i too will be strong

            don’t take

            your overdose

            of barbiturates

            leaving

            me

            to scrap

            your lifeless

            body

            from

            my living room

            floor